Hedgehog

An acquaintance of mine once told me that I was a hedgehog-I could be quite prickly on the outside, but that was only to hide the soft, gentle heart inside. I was offended at the time, probably because this quasi-stranger had cut through the mask to the heart of the matter.

I'm hedgehogging these days. I'm curling in on myself, armour out as I deal with this increasing nightmare. Where did my mother go? Who is this stranger who has replaced the opinionated, strong, feisty, proud, independent, politics-loving, Toronto Blue Jays fan who grabbed the sports section first every morning?

Mom has given up. My mother, who never backed away from challenges in her life; who met everything head on, shoulders back and feet planted, now spends her days sleeping, waiting to die. I saw a glimmer of the old mom yesterday, because she was really ticked when she woke up yesterday, because she, well, woke up. "Why can't this just be over? Why am I hanging on?"

I sit with mom now everyday as she lies on the couch. She can't stand the noise of the television, and she's not reading her paper anymore. I hold her hand and we sit in silence. She talks about how she wants this existence to be over. I told her a couple of days ago that it was okay to go. Love doesn't die and only her body was leaving. I made her smile when I reminded her that she would never be able to let go of the belief that I wouldn't know how to dress appropriately without her telling me what to wear, and a little thing like death wasn't going to stop that.

I can see her slipping away day by day. I can't stand this existence for her. Mom deserves better. So I put on my mask, hold mom's hand and tell her it's okay to die. And I lie to my mom. I don't want her in this hellish existence her life has become since January. I love my mom too much to want her to go through any more of this. In so many ways, I'm already grieving the loss of my mom.

Time is a gift. Old age is no place for sissies. And hedgehog is the only way I know how to get through this and let mom go.