My mother is the second oldest of seven. She grew up in a small farmhouse in Eastern Ontario. She moved to Ottawa during the 1940s when she was in her mid-teens, but returned home every weekend to help out. She told me once that her first task when she got home on the weekend was to unload and sort all the stuff on the dining room table that had accumulated through the week.
Mom has had the same friends since the 1940s, and only added a couple of new ones along the way. Mom is very private.
Since she's been home from hospital, there has been a steady parade of strangers through her house, asking her intimate details of her life and helping her with things she'd rather do herself, thank you very much, except she can't. It's been very stressful for her.
Today, for example, we had homecare and the occupational therapist in, and I was there too. Tomorrow, physio plus home care. When the occupational therapist left, mom looked at me and said "Is there anyone else coming today?" She was worn out.
Mom is managing right now. RIGHT NOW being the operative words. She was managing just fine before January 14 too, and then everything crashed. I need these people involved so if things go down again I have supports in place. The homecare really isn't doing all that much for mom right now (and they DO NOT LIKE the fact that I am a constant presence. Get used to this face, people, you will see it a great deal) but if mom spirals down again, she will need them. For someone who has always taken care of things herself, this have been really hard on mom.
I drove mom to radiation every day for 6 weeks because I knew there was no way that she would take a ride from a random stranger, no matter how lovely a person they were. It's hard for mom to accept help from the homecare, not that they are doing much right now from what I've seen, but the physiotherapist and the occupational therapist and the case manager have mom's back. The OT ratted out home care for me today. They aren't doing the job they are supposed to be doing. Having the OT report it meant that I didn't have to, although in my usual notetaking way, I did document it.
I'm sure I've already got a reputation for being "difficult" or some other word that rhymes with witch, but I can own that. If I don't protect and advocate for my mom who is going to? Just call me Tiger Daughter.
Hang in there. I know it's tough on both of you but you really need her. Twenty years ago when my mother died in the Cambridge Hospital I remember being struck with the thought: "I'm an orphan now." I had lost my mom and best friend. I was 54 years old and I felt like a lost child. And it was awful.
ReplyDeleteThanks Bill. What do seniors do who don't have anyone to keep tabs and advocate for them? Personal homecare is a tough job, and low paying. I get that. Some of these people are wonderful, and others are in it for the wages, and they will do the least that they can get away with. Not on my watch, and not with my mom. My heart grieves for the ones who don't have advocates.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind being thought of as a "tiger daughter"-been called worse by better people! (often at lunch...:-))It's my mom and I will protect her and take the best care of her I can. I owe her that one.